


(don't blame me) love made me crazy

by TheGoatWithAPen



Series: Posie Lover AU [2]
Category: Legacies (TV 2018)
Genre: Angst, F/F, If you don't read the main fic this won't make any sense, Implied/Referenced Alcohol Abuse/Alcoholism, Implied/Referenced Suicide, The suicide thing is just one line but I thought I'd tag it, You guys wanted a Penelope Chapter, here it is, penelope pov
Language: English
Status: Completed
Published: 2020-01-24
Updated: 2020-01-24
Packaged: 2021-02-27 12:27:56
Rating: Mature
Warnings: Creator Chose Not To Use Archive Warnings
Chapters: 1
Words: 6,496
Publisher: archiveofourown.org
Story URL: https://archiveofourown.org/works/22387189
Author URL: https://archiveofourown.org/users/TheGoatWithAPen/pseuds/TheGoatWithAPen
Summary: Penelope's POV on her and Josie's Relationship.Connected to (it was a great love) one for the ages. Read that first if you want this to make sense.
Relationships: Penelope Park/Josie Saltzman
Series: Posie Lover AU [2]
Series URL: https://archiveofourown.org/series/1611439
Comments: 17
Kudos: 125





	(don't blame me) love made me crazy

**Author's Note:**

> So, here it is. The Penelope Chapter.  
> So, this is basically just Penelope's side of things across the fic so far! Hopefully, this helps you guys understand why did the things that she did.  
> If you are not here from the main fic, please go read that first!  
> Enjoy!

Penelope Park was not the type of person who you would consider to be scared of anything.

When she was ten years old, she’d put on a play written by and starring only her for the entire school to see.

When she was twelve, she took a shot of whiskey as a dare, and didn’t even cough.

When she was fifteen, she asked out the most popular girl in school, and even when she got a no, she didn’t flinch once.

When she was an nineteen, she moved out, got her own place, and started living her own life.

She’d gone on so many stages, done so many bold things, and she gave off the vibe that she’d sooner die than be scared of something.

But make no mistake, there was one thing that Penelope was more scared of than anything else in the world.

And that was love.

Because when Penelope was twenty-four, she got engaged to the girl that she thought was the love of her life.

And when Penelope was twenty-five, that very same girl tore her heart out in a way that she didn’t think was possible.

She found out that the girl she loved with every part of her, didn’t love her back.

Not anymore.

She was destroyed so utterly, that she left Belgium, the place where she’d lived for most of her life, and went to London.

There she met a girl named Maya Machado, and they became fast friends.

Maya had once asked about why she moved, but Penelope had just brushed it off, telling her that she’d wanted a change of scenery.

Because despite her hatred for her parents, she still remembered the lessons they taught her.

Don’t show weakness.

If something hurts you, move on. Forget it ever happened, because you are a Park, and you do not let feelings get in the way of moving forwards.

And Penelope tried.

She tried to date again, but every time she felt feelings for another, she felt fear creep back into her heart.

She felt the terror that once again she wouldn’t be enough.

So, she stopped trying to date and changed tactics.

If she just slept around, flirted with everything that breathed, and acted like love was nothing more than a mere inconvenience to her, then she wouldn’t fall in love.

She wouldn’t get hurt again, and she would be able to live her life with some semblance of happiness.

+++

When she heard that Maya’s brother and his friend Josie were going to be moving to London, Penelope was excited.

Ethan was apparently charming and stupid, so Penelope would get along with him easily.

Josie was just coming out of a heartbreak and she was apparently a very nice girl.

Penelope should have seen the warning signs right then.

Nice girls had a habit of getting broken by Penelope.

When Penelope had looked across the bar, she hadn’t expected to see the prettiest girl she’d ever laid eyes on.

She had an adorable little pout, and pretty brown hair, and Penelope wanted to get closer and study her eyes, because even from this distance, she could tell that they were gorgeous.

The pretty girl got up and went to the bar, and Penelope got a text from Ethan, telling her to go up to the bar and talk to her.

Penelope was pretty sure that she knew where this was going, but she went up anyways.

She talked to the pretty girl, and found out that she was Josie.

Josie Saltzman, singer with a broken heart, who rambled when she got nervous, and smiled like she’d never seen anything sad in the world.

Penelope should have known that she was a goner.

Josie told her about her broken heart, about her family, about her songs.

Penelope found herself talking about her family, talking about acting, found that talking to Josie was so very easy.

She went home quite drunk, but with a smile on her face at the thought of Josie.

Josie came over to Penelope and Maya’s place, along with Lizzie and Hope.

Penelope found that she liked Hope and Lizzie, but that Josie was definitely her favourite.

They flirted back and forth over the course of the night, getting closer and closer.

The next day, Penelope took Josie on a tour of the city.

Penelope loved seeing Josie’s wide eyes and her smile as she looked at the sights that London had to offer.

There was a moment when Penelope nearly closed the distance between them, nearly kissed Josie softly on the park bench as they looked out at the river.

But she didn’t.

Because even with time to help her broken heart, she couldn’t help but fear the butterflies in her stomach, couldn’t help but want to run away from Josie and her soft smile.

And some part of her already knew that there was no way that Penelope could avoid falling in love with Josie.

So, she tried to stop herself from being drawn to Josie, tried to keep them as friends.

Then Hope and Lizzie left, and Penelope couldn’t stop herself.

She told herself if Hope and Lizzie weren’t there, then maybe it would feel less real, that maybe she could still save herself.

Sleeping with Josie was amazing.

Josie was so beautiful, and when she touched Penelope, she could feel herself falling in deeper.

And Penelope knew it was a bad idea, that she had a habit of taking good things and destroying them, but she just couldn’t stay away.

So, they became friends with benefits.

+++

And the game began.

Both of them dodging their own feelings, and trying to keep a good thing going.

Penelope left in the morning, before Josie woke up, because she knew that if she let herself stay by Josie’s side, let Josie wake up beside her, if she saw the way Josie’s eyes found hers in the pale morning light, she’d fall in love.

Then, a new routine started.

It was Josie who did it.

They made pasta, and laughed at each other.

They acted like friends, came too close to the line that was set out, and so Penelope made sure that they didn’t fall over it.

But she still stayed in the morning.

And she let Josie wake up beside her.

Because while they might end up ruined, now that Penelope had had the chance to pretend that maybe they could work, she couldn’t let it go.

She played cards with Josie, and talked with her about their lives.

She pretended that Josie’s smile held love, that her touch meant something more than just temporary lust.

It was dangerous.

But Penelope couldn’t care less.

One night, they didn’t even sleep together.

They just sat on the couch and talked about their lives, and how messed up their childhoods had been.

When Josie fell asleep, Penelope carried her upstairs to her bed.

And Penelope could have chosen to sleep in another bed, but she couldn’t stop herself from pretending.

She knew that this would wreck her, but she’d been broken before.

She could handle it.

Until suddenly she realized the stakes.

Josie brought up Sasha.

She didn’t even realize what she was doing.

She was just asking about past exes.

And maybe Penelope had been harsh about past flings.

But Josie had unconsciously struck a nerve.

And Penelope had walked away, angrier at herself then she was at Josie.

+++

She spent three days apart from Josie and realized something.

She was already in love with Josie.

She was already done for.

For a moment, she considered opening herself up.

She considered telling Josie.

But then she remembered seeing her fiancée in bed with another woman.

She remembered being told that she wasn’t enough anymore.

She remembered losing all faith in love.

And she couldn’t.

But she needed Josie.

And Josie didn’t feel the same.

So, what was the harm?

They were already using each other, why complicate things with love?

Everything was fine, and they went back to the way they were.

They had sex, they didn’t complicate things, and it was good.

Josie was happy because she was moving on from the asshole ex who broke her heart.

Penelope was happy because she was able to love someone without the fear of a broken heart.

If Josie didn’t love her back, that was for the best.

Josie loving Penelope would mean Josie getting broken by Penelope.

Josie loving Penelope would mean Penelope being broken when Josie realized that she didn’t anymore.

It was for the best.

+++

Penelope found herself in a club one night, flirting with another girl.

Really, she didn't see the harm.

Josie and her weren’t exactly exclusive. Penelope could do whatever she wanted.

Except Josie didn’t like that.

She had had a few too many drinks, and was apparently a very jealous drunk.

They talked outside the bar and Penelope came dangerously close to exposing herself.

Luckily, Josie was too drunk to remember anything.

Penelope took them back to Josie’s place, and she made sure that Josie was going to be alright.

And when she was sure that Josie was asleep, she softly whispered,

“I think I just might love you Jojo.”

Damn, it felt good to say those words out loud.

+++

At some point, Penelope felt bad about how distant she’d been to Josie, and decided to make her breakfast.

She wasn’t the best cook, but for the girl that she loved, she could try.

Josie came downstairs, and started acting weird.

Penelope didn’t know what it was, but Josie wouldn’t meet her gaze and she sounded like she was in another world.

Penelope just put it down to Josie being tired.

But then Josie kept being weird.

She was nervous around Penelope, kept sending her quick little glances that Penelope barely caught.

She rambled more, and sometimes during sex; she’d give Penelope looks that really scared her.

Penelope tried to ignore, tried to tell herself that she was just reading into things.

Josie didn’t have feelings for her.

Josie was using her as a distraction, that was it.

Penelope knew that she couldn’t ignore it, and she couldn’t lie to herself forever, but she tried to.

This was so much easier if the only person getting hurt was Penelope.

+++

Unsurprisingly, it was the drunk version of herself that ruined things.

When she woke in Josie’s house, memories of the last night flickering through her head, she cursed herself.

Because now they had to face the truth.

Penelope wasn’t the only one with feelings.

Josie had them too.

And if Penelope kept using her, Josie would get hurt.

But maybe Josie was stronger than that.

After all, she hadn’t said anything so far.

What if she was okay with this?

Penelope knew somewhere deep down that she was delusional, that this going to end in flames, but she just wanted to keep Josie.

Another trait that her parents could take credit for was her selfishness.

If you want something, take it.

Do whatever you need to justify it to yourself.

Penelope wondered how her mother had justified sleeping with a new man every week.

Penelope wondered how her father had justified having an affair with his secretary.

And she knew that she never wanted to be like them, but some poisons ran very deep indeed.

She asked Josie about it.

She told Josie that if it was too much, that if she was getting hurt, to tell Penelope.

She told Josie that she was okay with it, as long as Josie wasn’t in pain.

Josie said that it wasn't too much, that she wasn't in pain.

Penelope should have known better.

Josie and her were too similar.

Both of them scared of love, but both of them willing to endure pain, just to be close to the one they wanted.

+++

Josie started pushing her away, started acting cold.

Penelope should’ve called it off then and there, but she just couldn’t.

She told herself that Josie was just going through a rough moment.

It would pass.

Then Josie basically ignored her for days at a time, and Penelope started feeling an ache in her heart.

Being apart from Josie was so painful.

She just wanted to know what she had done wrong.

If Josie wanted this to be over, she would tell Penelope.

She had told Penelope that she would tell her.

And Penelope wanted so badly to believe that she could keep this arrangement.

When Josie finally texted her and told her to come over, Penelope thought that maybe, things were going back to the old way.

And maybe she slipped up, maybe she touched Josie like she was in love with her, maybe she just wanted to feel what it was like to be loved by Josie, but she couldn’t help it.

And then Penelope had to go and ask questions.

But she just wanted to make sure that Josie was okay.

When Josie lashed out, Penelope kept going.

And when it got too much, she left.

Because if they were going to fight, she couldn’t be next to Josie.

Because if they were fighting, she might actually have to pay attention to the pain in Josie’s eyes, and she’d have to realize that she was hurting the girl that she loved.

+++

Penelope got a call one night from Landon, telling her that Josie had gotten completely drunk and kept asking for her.

So, Penelope came.

And Penelope took her home in a cab.

And Josie told her the truth.

Told her how being with her hurt so much, because Penelope would never love her in the way that she wanted.

Told her that she was pushing her away, because as much as she loved her company, she hated the way that her unrequited feelings made her feel.

Told her that she hated knowing that she wasn’t going to be enough for another person.

And Penelope couldn’t ignore it anymore.

She couldn’t be selfish anymore.

She couldn’t hurt Josie like this anymore.

Whatever they had between them had started twisting into something toxic.

Penelope had to be the one to leave.

Because Josie would continue to hold onto this until there was nothing left to hold onto.

Without Penelope in Josie’s life, maybe Josie could be happy.

She could find someone good enough for her.

Because Penelope could admit her feelings to Josie, could tell her that Josie wasn’t alone in this.

But after what she had done to Josie, after the way she had hid like a coward, she didn’t deserve Josie.

And Josie probably knew it deep down, knew that her love for Penelope would fade, because the truth was that Penelope would never be enough for Josie.

+++

Breaking things off with Josie was the hardest thing she’d ever had to do.

And she knew how it felt. 

Knew how it felt to have the girl that you love walk away from you.

And she hated who she’d become, hated that she was now this person.

Hated how her parents scars still stained her heart.

Hated that when she broke up with Josie, she made it seem like it was Josie’s fault.

But she couldn’t say out loud that she was the one who had broken everything.

Because if she started down that path, she’d end up telling Josie everything.

So, this was easier.

Blame the other person and it’s easier to convince yourself that they aren’t the one you want.

Josie fought for them.

Josie got mad and yelled at Penelope, tears streaming down her face.

And as much as Penelope wanted to just hold Josie, to tell her that it wasn’t her fault, she couldn’t.

Because Penelope Park was a fucking coward.

And so, she left.

+++

Life without Josie was harder than life without Sasha.

Because at least with Sasha, Penelope had people to blame, could properly feel sorry for herself.

And if she was honest with herself, her love for Josie had nearly surpassed what she’d felt for Sasha.

With Josie, the only person to blame was herself.

Because Penelope was selfish, and Penelope was a coward, and Penelope had broken the one good thing she had.

So, instead of dealing with it, she used all the other coping mechanisms that she’d built up over the years.

Sleeping with random people, drinking, and doing drugs. 

She’d forgotten how easy sex was when it was with a girl or a guy whose name she didn’t know.

Even if she kept having to stop herself from saying Josie’s name, had to stop pretending that the person touching her had soft brown eyes and pouty lips.

When Penelope got her first drunken texts from Josie, she nearly broke her phone.

Because Josie was so right.

Penelope was a bitch.

And Josie had every right to be hurt.

That night, Penelope got completely drunk at a club and woke up in someone else’s house with a headache.

Maya and Ethan stopped looking at her with pity in their eyes, and started looking at her with annoyance.

Penelope got it.

She was a wreck, a complete mess, and they had every right to be tired of having to deal with her shit, especially when she had no right to be such a wreck.

She was the one who fucked everything up.

+++

The first time she saw Josie was in the bar where they first met.

Penelope looked away from the girl she was flirting with and saw Josie.

Josie, sitting alone, looking like a complete wreck.

Penelope had done that to her.

They made eye contact, and for a moment it felt like old times.

Like Penelope could go over to Josie, and she could smile at her, and everything would be fine.

Then Josie stood up and left the bar.

Penelope took the girl back to her place, and kicked her out the moment that they were finished.

Then she sat on her bed, drinking from the bottle of whiskey that she kept under her bed.

+++

Things didn’t get better.

Penelope was nursing a wicked hangover one day when Maya walked in and sat down opposite her.

Penelope looked up with a scowl.

“You kicking me out, or is this just a warning?”

Maya rolled her eyes.

“As much as I would love to not deal with your annoying ass, you’re my best friend, and I’ll support you through your stupid decisions.” She wrinkled her nose. “And also, I think you’d actually die without me.”

Penelope scoffed.

“How nice of you.”

Maya sighed.

“Look, I came here to tell you something.” She waited to make sure that Penelope was looking at her.

Penelope sighed and nodded.

“Tell me whatever it is that you have to say.”

“Josie’s going back to the US.”

Penelope let out a breath, feeling like she’d been punched.

Josie was leaving.

Josie was hurt so much by Penelope that she’d needed to leave the city that she’d loved.

Penelope really had become Sasha.

She sighed and nodded.

“Okay. If she wants to leave, that’s what she should do.”

Maya scoffed and Penelope looked up with a frown.

“What?” Penelope asked.

Maya shook her head.

“You’re really not even going to fight for her? You’re not going to call her or talk to her before she goes?”

Penelope shrugged.

“I’m not exactly in her life anymore. She can do whatever she wants.”

Maya sighed and stood up.

“Look. I am fed up with this whole ‘feeling sorry for yourself’ bullshit. You need to accept whatever it was that happened between you and Josie, and you need to accept the fact that you’re still in love with her.” 

Penelope stood up as well, feeling anger rising in her chest.

“Maya, I appreciate the whole speech, but I’ve got it covered.”

“The other night you came home so incoherent that I was genuinely scared that you weren’t going to make it through the night. I don’t think there’s anyone left in London that you haven’t fucked.”

“Maya,” Penelope said in a low voice, “This is how I cope. Let me cope.”

Maya threw up her hands.

“I don’t even know what happened, but I know that this isn’t healthy.”

“You want to know what happened? You want to hear how I broke Josie’s heart because I’m a selfish bitch? You want to hear about how I’m such a wreck that I can’t allow myself to be loved by someone? You want to hear about how I’m a horrible person? Because I will gladly tell you everything, but only if it means that you’ll leave me alone, and let me ignore my problems.”

Maya just stared at her and then she slowly shook her head.

“Go get some sleep. You’re officially going to be under my watch until I stop worrying about you.”

“What are you so worried about? I can handle myself.” Penelope sneered.

Maya shook her head again, firmer this time.

“No, you can’t. I’m not letting you leave the house until I can be sure that you aren’t going to do something stupid.”

“Like what?”

“Like throwing yourself into a river, like overdosing, like walking in front of a bus,” Maya yelled, her voice shaking.

And Penelope faltered.

The pain in Maya’s eyes, the worry in her voice, made Penelope realize that once more, she wasn’t only hurting herself with her actions.

So, she made the choice she wished she had with Josie.

She turned around and slowly started walking towards her room.

Right before she reached the door, she turned around to look at her best friend.

“I wouldn’t do that. Not on purpose.”

Maya’s gaze softened, just a little.

“I know. But you’re a different person when you drink, or when you do drugs, and I don’t trust that person.”

Penelope nodded slowly.

“Okay.”

+++

So, she slowly started moving herself out of the hole she’d dug for herself.

She didn’t feel like she deserved it, and she much preferred not having to think about everything, but she knew that it was better.

Maya took away all the alcohol from the house, and went through Penelope’s drug stash.

Her and Ethan made sure that someone was always watching her.

She hated being treated with kid gloves, but she agreed with Maya.

She didn’t trust herself either.

The day when Josie left was the first day that they left Penelope alone.

Maya tried to convince Penelope to come to the airport, but Penelope couldn’t.

She didn’t want to hurt Josie by making her have to see the reason why she was leaving.

If Josie was going to heal, seeing Penelope wouldn’t make things better.

And Penelope had been making progress.

Seeing Josie might shatter all of that.

So, she just told Maya to pass along a message.

“Tell that I hope moving helps her, and that I only want the best for her.”

Maya just smiled sadly and nodded.

Penelope spent the rest of the day watching plane flying across the sky, wondering which one was taking Josie away from her.

+++

She spent the next week trying to force herself to move on.

Maya went with her to get a haircut, because Penelope insisted on it. Once Maya was convinced that Penelope wasn’t going to do anything stupid with her hair, she let her go.

It felt nice to have shorter hair.

Maya let her out of the house, but only after Penelope agreed to not drinking and staying under Landon’s supervision the whole time.

It was nice to get out of the house.

At first, Landon was really quiet, and Penelope figured that was because he wasn’t sure what to say.

She’d known Landon ever since she’d moved to London, and they’d almost gotten as close as her and Maya.

If Maya was sort of like the sister she’d never had, Landon was her brother.

He’d seen her go through rough times, but she’d never been like this, and she supposed it was hard.

Eventually, she sighed and turned to him.

“You know, as fun as sitting in a park in silence is, I want to talk to you.”

He sighed.

“I know. I just don’t really know what to talk about.”

She grinned.

“Yeah, I suppose with my unhealthy coping mechanisms and my broken heart being off limits topics, there’s not much left.”

He let out a strained laugh.

He still wasn’t looking at her.

She frowned.

“Landon, it’s okay. I know I messed up, and I’m going to be better.”

He shook his head.

“I’m just really worried about you. I know that I’ve only known you for a few years, but I’ve never seen you look and sound so bad." He rubbed at his face and sighed. "You probably don’t remember but one night you were just rambling about all this stuff that I never knew about, and I just want to help you, but I don’t know how.”

Penelope looked down.

“What did I talk about?”

“Are you sure that you want to-”

“It’s fine, just tell me.”

He bit his lip.

“You talked about your parents, and how you think they permanently fucked you up. You told me about how you’ve been drinking regularly since you were thirteen. You told me,” he sighed and finally looked at Penelope, “You told me about Sasha.”

“Oh.”

He sighed.

“I get it, you know? I’ve never been through heartbreak like that, but I understand why you reacted the way you did with Josie now.”

She shook her head.

“Nothing excuses how I treated her. No amount of heartbreak or shitty parents makes it okay.”

He nodded.

“If you ever want to talk about shitty parents, I know a bit. Foster kid, remember? Real dad fucked off when I was a kid, and real mum never wanted me.” He gave her a half-hearted grin, before shifting back into a serious expression. “Honestly though, if you ever want to talk about something, I’m here for you.”

Penelope laughed softly.

“Thanks Landon, that means a lot.”

He smiled, a real one this time, and Penelope was glad to say that she was able to return it.

Then she sighed.

“I want to stop with all the drinking. It’s not healthy and I think it’s really messing me up.”

He nodded again.

“Okay. We can do that.”

+++

And so, she took another tiny little step towards getting better.

Penelope walked into the living room a few days later, fully intent on asking Maya about Alcoholics Anonymous when she saw the looks on Ethan and Maya’s faces.

In the short time that she’d known Ethan, she didn’t think that she’d ever seen him looking so broken.

“What happened?” She asked, heart already leaping into her throat.

Ethan sighed shakily.

“It’s Josie’s mum, she’s in hospital with cancer.”

Penelope felt her heart stop for a moment.

She’d never met Josie’s mum, never talked to her or anything, but whenever Josie talked about her, her smile would get wider, and she’d get this truly happy look in her eyes.

Josie’s mother was Josie’s rock, the person who had helped her through a lot of stuff.

If something had happened to her, well, Penelope could only imagine how crushed Josie would be.

She turned to Maya.

“How is Josie?”

Maya sighed.

“She’s heartbroken, but apparently she’s trying her hardest to make the best out of a bad thing.”

Penelope laughed shakily.

It was such a Josie thing to do, to keep going even though her world was collapsing around her, to put on a strong face for the people that she loved.

Ethan sniffled.

“I’ve met her mum a few times. She’s strong, she’ll make it through this, but god, I cannot imagine how Josie’s feeling right now.”

Penelope dropped onto the couch opposite them.

“Fuck.”

They just sat there in silence for a while more.

Penelope couldn’t stop thinking.

She really wanted to call Josie.

To just pick up the phone, and tell her that everything was going to be okay, or that she was going to make it through this.

She wanted to transport herself to where Josie was, to hug her so tightly, so that Josie could just forget about the pain she was feeling.

But she couldn’t.

Josie wanted nothing to do with her.

Josie was in America, healing.

She’d suffered a massive blow, and the last thing that she needed was for Penelope to call out of the blue.

Penelope was one of the main reasons that she was in pain, Josie was better off without her.

Penelope just had to accept that properly.

It was a few weeks later when Penelope found out about Rafael.

She’d been going to AA meetings, and was actually feeling a little better about herself.

Maybe that was because she’d mastered shoving her problems into a tiny box in her mind and then never addressing those problems.

She wasn’t coming home blackout drunk anymore, nor was she sleeping with anyone and everyone to get over Josie.

So, she could at least feel like she was getting better.

She didn’t even mean to find out about Rafael.

She’d been doing a good job about staying away from news about Josie.

Though, she would ask every now and then about her mother, just because she couldn’t stop herself from caring.

She was scrolling through news stories, looking for some sort of funny drama that some idiot celebrities had gotten into.

Then she saw it.

_Football Star Rafael Waithe Dating Singer from Mystic Falls, Josie Saltzman._

And well, she just had to click on it.

It told her that Rafael had been seen kissing Josie at a recent football game.

It said that they were happy together.

Penelope wanted to punch a wall.

She wanted to do something stupid.

So, she got up and walked out of her room.

Maya was waiting for her.

“Penelope, I hope you know that you’re not leaving this house.”

Penelope rolled her eyes.

“Get out of my way Maya.”

Maya folded her arms.

“I know that you found out about Rafael and Josie.”

“How the hell do you know that?”

“Because Landon told me that they’ve been dating for a while, and I’ve been checking to see when the news would come out. It came out about an hour ago, and I’ve been waiting to see how long it would take for you to find it.”

Penelope chuckled humorlessly.

“Remind me to hit Landon for not telling me.”

Maya sighed.

“We didn’t want you to flip out.”

“I’m fine.”

“You’re shaking and your knuckles are basically white.”

Penelope looked down.

She hadn’t even noticed.

“Pen, just sit down, and we’ll talk about this.”

“No, I don’t want to talk about this! I know, okay? I don’t have a right to be jealous, because I’m the one who fucked everything up, and she’s allowed to move on and live her life! I know, and I’m aware that I need to move on and stop being a dickhead about all of this. I don’t need you to tell me that. What I need you to do is let me go out to a nice bar where I can drink my sorrows and then have sex with a model.”

Maya shook her head.

“No. You’ve been making good progress, and I’m not letting you waste it on this,” she paused and then sighed, “And you aren’t a horrible person for being upset. You’re still in love with her, you can be hurt by her moving on, it’s normal.”

Penelope felt one tear roll out of her eye, and then suddenly she was falling onto the couch, sobbing.

Maya moved over to hug her.

“I just-I-I just really miss her," Penelope gasped out.

“I know. It’s okay.”

“I hate this.”

“I know.”

“Do you think I’ll ever get past this?” Penelope asked, sniffling.

Maya sighed.

“I think you’ll always love her. But you’re strong. You’ll be okay.”

Penelope nodded and sighed.

“Can we watch a movie? I don’t want to go to bed like this.”

Maya nodded.

“Okay. Let’s watch a movie.”

+++

When Josie released a song, Penelope knew that she shouldn’t listen to it.

It would probably be about how in love with Rafael she was.

Or worse, it’d mention her and talk about how shit Penelope was as a person.

But Penelope wanted to listen to it.

All of Josie’s songs were so beautiful, this would be no exception.

And it had been so long since she’d heard Josie’s voice, she wanted to hear it again.

When she pressed play, she knew that she would love it immediately.

When Josie started singing, she fell in love again.

And then she realized something.

The song wasn’t about Rafael.

It was about her.

It was about Josie being in love with her.

She didn’t know if it was anything specific, or if she just somehow knew.

But it was about her.

And the urge to call Josie was stronger than ever before.

But she didn’t.

Josie was still with Rafael.

Just because she’d possibly based a song off of her feelings for Penelope, didn’t mean that she still felt the same way.

It didn’t mean that she wanted Penelope to call.

They were both moving on, there was no need to be dragged into the past again.

Even if Penelope was still in love with her.

Even if the only thing that Penelope wanted to do was see Josie again.

Even if Penelope was pretty sure that Josie was the last person that she’d ever love.

+++

When Penelope found out that Rafael and Josie had broken up, she couldn’t help but feel a little bit happy.

And then she realized that Josie was probably heartbroken, and she felt bad for feeling like that.

And then she saw the video.

It was filmed on a phone camera, probably one held by some idiot paparazzi member.

And it showed Josie screaming at them.

For a moment, Penelope didn’t recognize her.

She looked so broken.

The bags under her eyes were clear, and her eyes were red.

Her voice broke on almost every word, and Penelope could hear the tears.

It may have been the camera, but Penelope could have sworn that Josie was shaking.

The video finished and Penelope was frozen.

She'd thought that Josie was getting better.

Yes, her mother had cancer, and she’d been broken up with again, but Josie was strong.

Penelope had thought that she would be okay.

But she looked like she’d been in a downwards spiral since Penelope had broken up with her.

And in that moment, Penelope knew two things.

One, that despite what she’d been telling herself, Josie wasn’t better off without her.

She had thought that staying away from Josie would give her a chance to heal.

She was only getting worse.

And two, Penelope couldn’t wait around in London for whatever happened to Josie next.

She needed to do something.

She was the one who’d hurt Josie, staying out of her life wouldn’t fix it.

But, if Penelope apologized, properly, and tried to help, maybe something good could come of it.

Maybe Penelope could give Josie some closure, maybe she could help her, as a friend.

Maybe seeing Josie would help Penelope as well.

She stood up and walked into the living room.

As she’d suspected, Maya was waiting for her.

“You’ve seen the video?” Penelope asked.

Maya nodded, and opened her mouth to speak, but Penelope cut her off.

“I need to see her. I thought that me staying out off her life would help her, but she looks so broken and so hurt. I need to do something, there has to be something that I can do. At the very least, I can apologize properly for how I treated her.”

Maya sighed.

Penelope continued.

“Look, Maya. I fucked up. I know. And I can’t make excuses for what I did. What I can do, is go to her, own up to my actions, apologize for everything I did to her, and if she never wants to see me again, I’ll take it and go. But if there’s even a chance that I can make things better, that I can make it so she doesn’t look the way she did in that video, I have to take it.”

“Are you sure this is a good idea? You’re still in love with her, and you’ve still got a lot of issues that you aren’t dealing with properly.”

Penelope nodded.

“I’ll call you every night to prove that I haven’t been drinking. You can ask Josie as well, just to make sure. I’ll take care of myself; I promise.” 

Maya didn’t look entirely moved.

“Please Maya, I really need to see her. I need to do something.” Penelope could feel herself shaking.

She felt so helpless, knowing that the girl she loved was in so much pain.

Maya sighed.

“Okay. You can go. Ethan and I were thinking about going as well, just to see how she’s going. If you come with us, maybe that’ll work out.”

“Can you give me a few days to be alone? Just so I can talk to Josie, one on one, without interruptions? There’s a lot that I want to say, and I just need some time.”

Maya sighed again.

“Okay, fine. But I had nothing to do with you getting there early. You got better tickets or some shit.”

Penelope nodded and smiled.

“Thank you, Maya, I love you so much.”

“You’d better.”

+++

It took a little bit of badgering to get Ethan to give her Josie’s address.

Only after she’d promised that she would never hurt Josie again, and that she wasn’t even going to try to make a move that he gave it to her.

Sitting on a plane on the way to America was terrifying.

What if Josie saw her and immediately rejected her?

What if seeing her made Josie more upset?

What if it was too late for apologies to be made?

Penelope wasn’t used to being so scared about things.

But she guessed that Josie changed things for her.

Josie scared her so much because Penelope loved her too much.

And Josie didn’t even know.

Josie didn’t know that Penelope loved her.

And that was for the best.

Penelope wasn’t going to try anything with Josie, because she loved her enough to let her go.

+++

She arrived in Mystic Falls on New Year’s Eve.

It took her the whole day to unpack in her apartment, and to work up the courage to go see Josie.

It was nearly midnight by the time that she found herself at Josie’s door.

She knocked.

There was no response.

So, Penelope texted.

**Penelope: please open your door.**

A few moments later, she heard the lock turn and then the door opened.

And there, on the other side, in a yellow sweater that Penelope had seen many a time, was Josie Saltzman.

Penelope smiled.

“Hey Jojo.”

**Author's Note:**

> So, now you know why she did everything she did! Obviously, she messed up a lot, but she knows, and in the next part of the fic, she's going to try her best to fix things between her and Josie!  
> Please tell me what you thought about this chapter! Did this answer your questions? Did you like seeing things from Penelope's POV? Do you kinda want to hug her or strangle her? I want to know!  
> The next chapter will be posted back at the main fic! I posted this separately because all of those are based off of Lover songs, and this one was not. The title was taken from Don't Blame Me, which is of course, by Taylor Swift.  
> I will see you again back at the main fic! Have a nice day!


End file.
